LA (DS) -- The Grammys, the most prestigious gathering of record industry scumbags and entourage hangers-on in all of Los Angeles, yesterday presented many of its highest honors to troubled English singer Amy Winehouse. But in addition to expected accolades like Best New Artist and Song of the Year, the Academy was far-sighted enough to also include Winehouse in the year's memorial for fallen stars, as well as bestowing upon her a lifetime achievement award.

Said industry veteran Maury Schlesinger, "Well, she's really just so talented and this may be our only chance to reward her, so, we figured, let's get it all out of the way now," before adding, "kind of a Heath Ledger lifetime achievement award, if you know what I mean."

"I don't get it, why won't I be around next year?" slurred a bleary-eyed Amy Winehouse, who earlier in the night delighted the crowd with an energetic performance of her hit songs which was only slightly marred by the embarrassing presence of several used needles hanging from her arm. After literally losing weight before reporters' eyes, the singer returned to her studio/hospital bed to work on her next big hit song, I Don't Want to Stay In Rehab But The Police Found All My Crack And My Lawyer Says It Hurts My Case If I Suck Dick for Rock Oh-Oh-Oh.