School administrators are calling the event an unimaginable tragedy. "We didn't even get the school's full name into some of these headlines," lamented Northern Illinois University Dean Robert Urston. "They're calling us 'N. Illinois U.' or worse just Illinois Campus'. Did you know Virginia Tech applicants nearly doubled this year? That's name recognition, baby. If we're not getting our name out there then what was even the point of having the thing?"

Dean Urston, and much of the Northern Illinois University staff blames bias in the media, but according to CNN's Wolf Blitzer, it's out of his hands. "Look, Northern Illinois State Capital Whatever just doesn't have a sexy enough sound. When you're naming a shooting local, you need something that Andy [Cooper] can really run with--really make it ominous. He lives for those. 'Columbine.' 'Virginia Tech.' 'Book Depository.' Those are the kind of names that make a man's balls recede. How do you even pronounce Illinois? Do you say the s? How does that kind of confusion make housewives fear their son could be next?"

Northern Illinois University officials went on to decry today's media coverage of the E.O. Green Junior High Shooting as a travesty and a shameful waste of internet. "Three weeks ago!" said Urston. "That was three weeks ago! Get over yourselves, puh-leaze."