JAPAN (DS) -- Tonight, for the first time in nearly two years, the blood-red ceremonial war fires at Toshiba headquarters in Tokyo have dimmed. The war for control over high-definition disc technology is over, leaving behind billions in debt and thousands of dead Toshiba executives, employees, shamed family members, and other Japanese who were in turn shamed by the suicides of friends of friends of Toshiba employees via a complicated form of inverse shame.

"We carefully assessed the long-term impact of continuing the so-called 'next-generation format war,' including the significant number of deaths of first-born sons, the raping and pillaging of villages on both sides, as well as the incessant internet flame wars, and have concluded that a swift decision will best help the market develop," Toshiba President and Chief Executive Atsutoshi Nishida said in a press conference, before walking up to the top of a hill and performing ritual seppuku while thousands of Japanese shareholders watched via webcam.

Palace insiders expect the floors of the most honorable Toshiba headquarters to run red with blood as remaining Toshiba executives are purged and replaced with younger, more dynamic rivals. In fact, sword sales in the Toshiba gift shop have already soared 200% since the announcement. Most economic analysts agreed that this was a bad sign and reduced their recommendations for the company from "Buy Stock" to "Horde Swords."