TEXAS! (DS) -- The tiny town of Alba Texas is reeling after a monstrous triple homicide and arson left a mother and her two sons dead and a father clinging to life with a bullet in his brain. This would be just another Sunday in Texas, but the motive for the murders, the father's refusal to let his sixteen-year-old daughter go on dates, may have ramifications for fathers and daughters all across the country.

"Jeez, the date totally wasn't worth it," remarked the murderous daughter whose name police have not yet released. "So first, we get off to a terrible start because it took so long to kill my parents. But whatever, right? And then I'm like 'Okay Jason, what do you want to do?' except I said it way sexier, like if I were twenty-two. But he totally hadn't planned anything 'cause he took me to see Semi-Pro and it sucked and he brought his stupid friend Greg and then the police shot him and it's like, 'I killed my parents for this? What the eff!?"

But the vicious murder did more than drive ticket sales for Will Ferrell. Daughters nationwide awoke Monday to find their dads showering them with condoms, liquor, and nervous laughter. Said one local father, "just like every dad, I want my daughter to save herself through high school so that she can get to college, drink for the first time, and then lose her virginity to some drunken frat boy. But shit, man, a bullet to the fucking brain?"

Texas state troopers believe the murder itself should be a pretty open-and-shut case, but as in other teen murder cases, violent videogames and movies may have also played a role. "Wow, this is just like in Bratz Rock Angelz when Cloe murdered her parents because they wouldn't buy her a handbag!" explained fifteen-year-old Tiffnee Mills of Orange County, California. She then glared at her father menacingly until he bought her a handbag.