VACATION (DS) -- The Daily Squelch will be off for Spring Break for the entire month of March, but to tide you over, we fired up our very own time machine so that we could tell you exactly where the campaign is headed over the next nine months. Enjoy.
March 2008
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Hillary wins Ohio, Rhode Island, and Texas, proving once-and-for-all that America has come far enough to choose a woman over a black man.
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Obama wins Wyoming Caucuses 2-to-1; Clinton campaign counters that this statistic is misleading as only three people live in Wyoming.
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The Mississippi Primary:
A confused Mike Huckabee re-enters the race.
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With seven weeks of campaigning before the next primary, Obama's staff worries that they may run out of synonyms for hope.
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In anticipation of the general election, Hillary Clinton urges supporters to "take back the word 'cunt.'"
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In what aides swear is a complete misunderstanding, Bill Clinton refers to Obama as "that nigger, that nigger, he's a niggardly nigger nigger ... [cough] nigger."
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FoxNews' Bill O'Reilly defends Bill Clinton.
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His nomination sewn up, John McCain retreats to an ancient cave to begin his long overdue hibernation.
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New thesaurus in-hand, Obama promises Transformations We Can Trust In and introduces new slogan "Certainly, We May!"
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April 2008
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The 21st Democratic Debate:
Hillary scores points early on using special shoes that give her a significant height advantage over Obama. |
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Trying to appeal to both African-Americans and blue-collar whites, Barack Obama 360-spin dunks a basketball while discussing NASCAR with Jeff Gordon.
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Hillary Clinton tears her achilles tendon trying to 360-spin dunk a basketball.
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The 22nd Democratic Debate:
Debate is cancelled after Ron Paul walks on stage and takes the first podium, then refuses to leave. |
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In his stirring "Letter from a Pennsylvania Jailhouse," Ron Paul eloquently makes the case that his message of selfishness and entitlement must be spread by any means necessary.
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Under increasing pressure to form a joint ticket, Obama announces new Barack/Obama ticket.
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Hillary counters with new Hillary/Clinton ticket but is forced to withdraw it after Bill gets the wrong idea.
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Pennsylvania Primaries:
Hillary Clinton crushes Barack Obama, but Obama wins more delegates due to complicated delegate allocation rules meant to encourage meaningless, confusing outcomes. |
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Under pressure to prove his general election viability, Obama promises to be less black.
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Obama supporters produce awesome YouTube video of skateboarding cats wearing little Obama hats.
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May 2008
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John McCain wins big points with GOP faithful after taking trip to Reagan's graveside and swearing a blood oath to avenge his death.
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Indiana and North Carolina Primaries:
Obama wins both primaries by a substantial margin after successfully tricking Hillary into campaigning in South Carolina. |
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Florida, Michigan, and for no apparent reason Iowa and New Hampshire all hold crucial re-votes. The candidates tie Michigan, but somehow both lose Florida to Bush.
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West Virginia Primary:
Both candidates oversleep and miss the primary. |
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Kentucky and Oregon Primaries:
Obama wins Oregon, but Hillary storms out of the gate, gets good traction, and wins the Kentucky Derby by 10 lengths. She is rewarded with an apple. |
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Across the nation, tranny hooker slayings decrease by nearly 50% as various GOP leaders clean up their act in anticipation of being named McCain's VP.
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Tearful GOP staffers announce that John McCain has died, are later embarrassed to find out that he "always sleeps with his eyes open like that."
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Confusing internet smear campaign contends that Obama is a mormon.
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Clinton and Obama once again smash fundraising records. Both consider just saying "fuck it" and bribing voters one-at-a-time.
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June 2008
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Puerto Rican Primary:
As the last delegate rich contest, Puerto Rico inspires unparalleled pandering, with both Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama pledging to use federal tax dollars to build a giant suspension bridge from Puerto Rico to Las Vegas.
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Montana and South Dakota Primaries:
Exit polls credit strong Obama win to his support amongst cattle, fences, and guys who engrave huge faces on mountains. |
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Hillary upsets Democrats by spending the previous week campaigning with John McCain in an attempt to bring down Obama's head-to-head polling numbers.
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John McCain selects black, evangelical, handicapped woman as running mate.
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Despite no remaining contests, Obama and Clinton spar over when to have the next debate.
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The entire nation officially becomes sick of all this bullshit.
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Former Los Angeles Lakers Power Forward A.C. Green endorses Barack Obama to cap off an incredibly slow news week.
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"THE OBAMA SKATEBOARDING CATS HAVE BEEN ASSASSINATED! OH MY GOD, THEY KILLED THE SKATE-BOARDING CATS!"
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In a brilliant move, Hillary Clinton pretends Obama has conceded and then congratulates him on a well-fought campaign.
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MSNBC's Chris Matthews spontaneously combusts on air, is replaced with a loud, unstable vacuum cleaner.
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July 2008
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Seeking to both avoid a brokered convention and defend earth from space monsters, Howard Dean meets with the candidates and urges them to unite and form some sort of giant Voltron-esque robot.
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President Bush loses a hand playing with firecrackers.
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John McCain resigns his Senate seat so that he can focus on the Presidential campaign. Also because he forgot where he left the keys to his office.
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With nothing to do until the convention, Barack Obama spends all day throwing playing cards across the room into a top hat. He gets really good at it.
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Conservatives burn McCain in effigy after he promises to "maybe, sort of, think about considering some sort of domestic platform."
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Seeking to regain control of the news cycle, Hillary Clinton has all of her endorsers renew their vows to her in a moving ceremony.
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With nothing real left to win, both campaigns relocate to Las Vegas and begin aggressively courting bookies to improve their own odds on the nomination.
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Ron Paul is released from prison, having served an 30 extra days for "really crazy, bad behavior" and for refusing to participate in the cell block's Secret Santa program.
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August 2008
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Showing both poise and true leadership, Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton agree that even though she has 150 fewer delegates and even though he failed to win any of the big swing states, they'll both hate each other forever and fight tooth-and-nail all the way to the convention.
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Obama aide David Plouffe floats a plan whereby Clinton and Obama will take turns being on top of the ticket, with Hillary getting August and October and Obama getting September and November.
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Having stayed on the sidelines for too long, Democratic heavyweights Michael Dukakis, Walter Mondale, and Jimmy Carter's cousin Eustus endorse Barack Obama. It doesn't even make the CNN crawl.
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In an unusual Saturday Night Live, Hillary Clinton makes surprise appearances in every sketch. Barack Obama is cut for time.
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Al Gore announces he'd be happy to take the nomination himself as a compromise. After a stony silence from all involved, he then adds "Just kidding ... heh, heh, yup, totally just kidding."
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John McCain has that dream again where he kills a Vietnamese man with a sock full of ben-gay. He shakes it off and goes back to sleep.
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Tina Fey gets pregnant and it totally ruins the next season of 30 Rock. Just thought you'd like to know.
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With the convention only days away, Hillary counters Barack's earlier offer with one of her own: If they beat McCain, she'll be President and he'll be Vice-President, and if they lose, he can go back to Illinois and go fuck himself.
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The Democratic Convention:
Things get off to a rocky start at the Pepsi Center when the entire New Jersey delegation is whistled for a blocking foul on Nuggets' leading scorer Carmelo Anthony. |
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The Democratic Convention:
The convention gets back on track and all of the delegates agree that they have no fucking clue what to do and that Denver is really kind of a drag. |
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The Democratic Convention:
Barack Obama delivers a stirring acceptance speech in which he talks about his father's long journey to America and his own hopes for the future. Hillary then gives her own stirring acceptance speech and everyone leaves really uncertain what the hell just happened. |
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September 2008
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The Republican Convention:
A surprisingly unified Republican party papers over their differences and focuses on the one thing they can all agree on, killing some brown people and preventing other brown people from having abortions. |
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The Republican Convention:
Louisiana Governor "Bobby" Jindal gives the keynote address as Republicans demonstrate their own diversity, happily accepting any minorities who change their name to something white and pledge to ban all abortions even in cases of rape, incest, and death to the mother. |
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The Republican Convention:
President Bush is introduced to full-throated cheers of "Four more years! Four more years!" Everyone in America changes the channel to a Twilight Zone marathon. |
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The Republican Convention:
John McCain accepts his party's nomination in a thrilling spectacle that's only slightly marred by how angry he seems about the whole thing. |
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McCain sinks 20 points in the polls after all of America admits to being really creeped out by the whole week.
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Trying to combine his two biggest political strengths, John McCain straight talks things people don't want to hear while being poked and tortured in a bamboo cage.
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In a high-level meeting, Democratic leaders admit even they don't see how they could lose this election, but they promise to meet again in a month and see if they can come up with something.
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Mysteriously, and in a move no one could possibly ever anticipate, polls show that the South has no interest in voting for a woman and a black man.
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Barack Clinton Obama and Hillary Obama Clinton release a new set of ads comparing John McCain with President Bush. McCain drops 20 points in the polls.
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John McCain decries internet smear campaign that suggests he's 72.
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October 2008
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After a full month of dedicated thought and reflection, the McCain campaign announces a brilliant new economic plan that will fix all of America's problems: Tax Cuts.
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In a map changing, exciting outcome for a previously polarized country, pollsters and pundits all agree that unlike in previous years, the entire election will come down to Ohio and Florida.
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John McCain solidifies his base but turns off independent voters after violently slapping a reporter who asked to borrow his phone.
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President Bush pledges to campaign night-and-day for John McCain and is immediately dispatched by the Senator to stops in Alaska, Hawaii, Puerto Rico, and Abu Dhabi.
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John McCain sinks 20 points in Alaska, Hawaii, Puerto Rico, and Abu Dhabi.
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Democrats release updated version of classic little girl in a field ad, asking "Would you want an unstable man like John McCain with his finger on the button?" McCain camp responds that his arthritis makes it unlikely he'd be able to push the button on his own so there's really no problem.
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The Presidential Debate:
The event ends early after John McCain is declared legally dead. Paramedics are later embarrassed to learn that he "always stops breathing like that for a couple hours each day." |
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The Vice-Presidential Debate:
Things start awkward and only get worse after neither Hillary nor Barack show up for the debate. |
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Late breaking polls show McCain losing by nearly 15 points among the crucial "doesn't think Bush is the greatest President of the last two-hundred years" demographic.
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Terrorists who look suspiciously like Dick Cheney and Karl Rove in blackface attack the Statue of Liberty with a crude pipe bomb.
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McCain rises 60 points in the polls after strong denunciation of terrorist attacks against national monuments.
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November 2008
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In memory of the beloved statue, all of America wears copper green pants and shirts, and sales of Wal-Mart brand "Never Forget" bumper stickers skyrocket.
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In last ditch effort to regain momentum, Obama/Hillary/Obama perform toe-tapping rendition of Stars and Stripes Forever, but they lose significant points after failing to synchronize their "Fosse hands" in the closing bars.
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John Sidney McCain III is elected the 43rd President of the United States of America.
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John Sidney McCain III dies from natural causes. He is survived by his wife, his seven children, and his smoking hot mistress.
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