GERMANY (DS) -- Alfred Hrdlicka, Austria's most cherished artist, turned 80 earlier this year, but a celebration in his honor by the Vienna Cathedral has enraged Catholics world-wide, though no one's really sure why.

The controversial artist recently led a tour of his works for the Archbishop of Austria. "Well, here's my sculpture of Jesus' crying face during the crucifixion. Here's my blank canvas representing the German soul after World War II, and in that corner is my sketch of the twelve apostles masturbating into a paper cup, and over here we have a depiction of Nietzsche--"

"Wait, what what what?" replied the Archbishop, comically spitting out his wine all over a nearby nun.

"Oh my Nietzsche. Yes I am very proud of that. It's--"

"No no. Ze Final Supper ... with the masturbation."

"Uh huh?"

"...with the masturbation?"

"Well they're not all masturbating. You can see Judas is choking Matthew with a belt and-- Wait, where are you going? I haven't finished the tour!"